A Madness Most Discreet
by Lolitaxlolita
Summary: Spock gets turned into a woman, and Kirk...well, he has certain feelings about his first officer that need to be confronted.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"Captain's Log, Supplemental. We are in orbit around Treyta IV in order to study the unique geological upheavals which have been occurring over the past hundred years. Scientists believe that the planet is entering a major volcanic cycle, and this is what the _Enterprise_ has been sent to investigate. There is no sentient life on the planet, therefore, our geologists will have free reign to study the seismic activity without the constraints inherent in the Prime Directive. We will be beaming down a small team, including Head Geologist Stevens, Science Officers Roan and Takamura, and Security Officer Troy. They will briefly examine the forces at work on the planet and take readings to be sent back to Starfleet headquarters."

Kirk stopped recording as he sensed someone standing just behind him to the right.

"Yes, Mr. Spock?" He asked before turning to face his first officer.

"Captain, may I request that I accompany the landing party to the surface of Treyta IV?"

Kirk frowned. "I don't see why not."

Spock gave a curt nod. "Thank you Captain." He turned to go back to his station.

Kirk wasn't about to let him off the hook _that_ easily, though. "But I _am_ curious, Spock." Spock stopped and turned back to the Captain, raising an inquisitive eyebrow, inviting Kirk to speak his mind. Kirk continued with a fain grin. "You've never shown much interest in geology before."

Spock inclined his head. "That is an accurate assessment. However, the geological conditions on Treyta IV are extremely similar to those of Vulcan approximately four million years ago. I am interested in gaining insight into Vulcan's early development and observing the seismic phenomena first hand."

"I see." Kirk turned back to the viewscreen and made an addition to his log. "Commander Spock will accompany the science team to the surface as well." He clicked off the recorder and turned back to Spock. A thought had occurred to him, and it had ruined his teasing mood. "With all the seismic activity going on down there, do you think it'll be safe?"

"The geologic activity has been a gradual process, Captain," Spock explained. "Nevertheless," he quirked an eyebrow, "You _were_ fully prepared to send the landing party to the planet before I asked to go as well."

Pinned by Spock's close scrutiny, Kirk cleared his throat and turned back to the viewscreen, which displayed a vibrant red and orange planet slowly rotating on its axis.

"Well, I just wanted to make sure…" Kirk trailed off at Spock's slightly amused expression. Spock had called his bluff. "Well, get going, Mr. Spock! Or I might rethink letting you go." But he was grinning playfully as he said it, and they both knew it was just part of the game.

"Of course, Captain," Spock replied before going to the turbolift.

Kirk looked back at the viewscreen and caught both Sulu and Chekov staring at him. He couldn't resist picking on them just a little bit. "Don't you two have a job to do?"

They both jumped and faced forward, clearly embarrassed at getting caught. But as they checked the status of the ship's orbit and corrected for deviations, Kirk's good-humored mood slowly vanished. He drummed his fingers on the armrest of the Captain's chair, just wanting this mission over with.

He just wanted Spock back on the ship, where he would be safe. Well, as safe as anyone on the _Enterprise_ could be. At least somewhere Kirk could keep an eye on him.

He had a feeling niggling at him…a feeling of dread.

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Down on the planet, five shimmering shapes appeared on a windswept plateau and materialized form indeterminate figures to humanoid forms. The science team looked around themselves at the desert terrain: orange sand and reddish rocks and vegetation that was tough enough to withstand the elements. All in all, it did look a bit like Vulcan. Not quite as hot.

They set up a small, temporary day camp first, just basic seismology equipment and a few barriers to keep the sand and wind away from the more sensitive devices. Spock and the other scientists then proceeded to bury their noses in their tricorders, walking around the perimeter of the camp and making careful observations. The five hours of study that they were allotted passed quickly and without incident.

They were finishing up and about to pack up the equipment when there was a small tremor. It was so minor that it was over before anyone even realized what was happening. But the science officers got quite excited (Spock in his own, quiet way), and insisted on staying a few more minutes to see if there would be more.

Turns out, there were. But the next tremor was _not_ a "tremor." It was a full-blown earthquake, powerful enough to knock them all off their feet and topple the standing sensors. It lasted several minutes, and a network of spider web-like cracks opened all over the plateau. Eventually, the quake subsided and the landing party picked themselves up and began fixing the stands for the sensors.

Spock's communicator beeped.

"Spock here," he said once he flipped it open.

"_Spock, what is going on down there?!" _The Captain's voice was loud enough for everyone to hear.

"There appears to have been an earthquake, Captain," Spock replied calmly.

"_Yes, I _was_ aware of that, Mr. Spock. But we tried to beam you up during the quake and nothing happened, and we just tried to beam someone down with no result. Scotty's stumped. What's going on that could cause the transporter to malfunction?"_

Of course, Spock had begun scanning the area with his tricorder before the captain had even finished speaking. His abruptly raised eyebrow told the rest of the team that something was wrong.

"There appears to be some sort of gas in the vicinity, Captain," he finally said.

"_Gas? What kind of gas?"_

"Unknown. But it seems to have been released during the earthquake. No doubt there was a pocket deep underground and the tremors allowed it to escape."

"_And do you think that's what's interfering with the transporter?"_

But there was no response.

"_Spock. Spock, come in. Spock?!"_

The communicator lay abandoned on the ground.

Everyone had suddenly collapsed, unconscious.

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Author's Note:

The title of this is from "Romeo and Juliet," if anyone cares. Romeo calls love "A madness most discreet." I guess that line just stuck with me. And it reminded me of that episode in TOS ("Is There No Truth in Beauty," I think) when Dr. Jones says that (and I'm not sure if these are the exact words, I'm too lazy to look it up) Vulcans are right in that "violent emotion is a kind of insanity." I think it kind of sums up Kirk and Spock's relationship: their love may be illogical, but it's there. You can't ignore it, you can't pretend it doesn't exist. It's love.

/end overly emotional author's note.

I'll try to get the next chapter up as soon as I can so watch out for it, please!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Kirk was worried. There had been no contact with landing party now for four hours, and he was beginning to lose patience. Usually he understood the pressures that his crew faced, and he remained calm, but this time…

He stabbed a button on his chair. "Kirk to Engineering."

"Engineering, Scotty here."

"Status on the transporters, Scotty?"

"Ach, we've gotten nowhere with it, Captain. I dunna know what to try." The man sounded stressed. "We've done everything we can think of to try an' bypass the main circuits, but so far nothing has worked." He was silent for a moment, then: "We'll probably have to wait 'till the gas clears."

This was not the response Kirk wanted. "It's been _four hours_, Scotty! I don't intend to wait any longer. I want that transporter operational _now._"

There was a beat of silence on the other end. "Ah'll…Ah'll see what I can do, Captain," Scotty said before he cut off the connection.

Kirk gave an inaudible groan and ran a hand across his face. If anybody down there was hurt…well, there'd be no help for them. And if someone was dead… Kirk abruptly stopped himself going in that direction. Not only was it a useless train of thought, but he just didn't want to go there.

Not yet, anyways.

His thoughts were interrupted by a communication from-

"It's the landing party, sir!" Uhura said, the excitement in her voice barely contained. "They report that no one has been injured."

The sense of relief across the bridge was tangible, like a bubble bursting. Chekov gave a little chuckle, and Sulu smiled and slapped him on the back. Kirk was not so easily assuaged.

"Put them on audio, Lieutenant."

"Aye sir." She deftly pressed a few buttons, and turned back to Kirk. "On audio, Captain."

"_Captain, this is Ensign Rachel Troy reporting."_

Kirk recognized the name as belonging to the security officer he had sent down to accompany the scientists.

"Ensign, am I correct in presuming that the gas has cleared sufficiently in order for us to beam you aboard?"

"_Yes, Captain. It seems that the gas has a somewhat anesthetic quality, along with electromagnetic fields that interfere with transporter and communication beams. We were unconscious for about four hours, but no one is hurt…for the most part."_

Immediately Kirk sat up straighter, instantly alert. He had caught her hesitation. "'For the most part?'"

"_Um, well, the gas had another…unusual… side effect." _

"_What_ 'side effect', Ensign?"

"_Well…" _Her voice broke off and was muffled for a moment, as if she had put her hand over the communicator and was speaking to someone else. Then her voice cleared and she spoke once again to Kirk. _"We're ready to beam up, Captain. I think you'll have to see for yourself."_

Kirk was silent a moment before calling Scotty to the transporter room. Then he contacted McCoy in sickbay.

As he rode down in the turbolift, he felt a little sick. He hated when something was wrong and he didn't know what it was, or how to fix it. His thoughts drifted to Spock…but no. Spock had that insanely robust Vulcan physique; it would take a lot more than some gas to bring him down.

He hoped.

When he entered the transporter room, the doctor was already there.

"What's this all about, Jim? I thought no one was hurt down there."

"That's what I thought," Kirk replied quietly.

Scotty skillfully operated the controls, and in seconds four shimmering figures materialized on the transporter pad.

"Where's Mr. Spock?" Kirk immediately asked the geologist, who was the first to step off the pad. She bit her lip and glanced back at the others.

"You'll just have to see for yourself, sir. It's pretty…well, you'll just have to see it to believe it."

Kirk had had just about enough of people avoiding his questions, but it was McCoy who angrily voiced his thoughts ("Dammit, will someone tell _me_ what's going on here?!") as a lone shape materialized on the pad. When the person was fully corporeal, she turned a quizzical brow on McCoy.

"I fully intend on briefing you both on the current situation, doctor," the woman said in a slightly amused tone of voice. There was absolute silence in the transporter room. But only for a moment.

"Well who the hell is _this_?!" McCoy exclaimed. But Kirk already knew. He had known from the second she appeared on the pad.

"Spock," he breathed.

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Author's Note:

Oh noes!

Ok, so, sorry I write such short chapters. It's just that I don't get much time during the day to type so short chapters just work better for me. Please watch out for the next chapter, coming soon! (I hope!)


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

The whirring of McCoy's medical scanner was the only sound in sickbay. The woman he was examining sat calmly on one of the tables, her hands folded as she patiently waited for him to finish.

"Oh, Spock," Kirk said finally. He was just now beginning to get over his shock. "What happened?"

The woman (_Spock! _Kirk corrected in his head) turned to look him in the eye.

"Unknown. I was incapacitated, presumably by the unidentified gas, and when I had regained consciousness I was…"

"A woman," McCoy finished for him.

"Precisely."

"Well," McCoy turned off the tricorder, set it down, and turned back to Spock. "You're fit as a fiddle."

"What?" Kirk interjected. "You can't be serious. I mean, look at him!"

"Yes, Jim, I _have_ noticed the physical change," the doctor replied dryly. "But as a half Vulcan, half-human _woman_, he's in perfect health. I can't find any cause for the change. I suppose it could have been the gas, but I'd need a sample of it to examine. And even then I probably couldn't be 100 percent sure."

"We'll get you that sample, Bones," Kirk replied as he went over to the comm panel. "Then we can at least start ruling out all the possible causes."

He contacted the bridge and asked Uhura to work out the details of a small team to collect a sample of the gas. When he returned, McCoy was setting up a hyperencepholagram for Spock. "Just to see if your mental faculties are still as they were," he told him as he began taking the test.

As he clicked buttons and read the information on the screen, McCoy took advantage of his focus to take Kirk into the next room.

"What is it, Bones?" Kirk asked quietly. He had known from the start that his friend had been holding something back.

"I was right when I said that Spock's body is in good health. But there is one thing that concerns me."

"What is it?"

McCoy looked through the doorway at Spock. He turned back to Kirk and lowered his voice as he spoke. "There's a high level of Aceterol in his blood. That's the Vulcan equivalent of Estrogen. Actually, he's got quite a bit of that in his system as well, but it's the Aceterol that bothers me."

"Is it harmful to him at this point?" Kirk asked. He tried to sound professional and failed, instead sounding anxious.

"No, not right now. But the problem is, his body is still producing it, and in large amounts. _That_ could be fatal in the long run. It's like his body is still pumping out enough hormones to turn into a female form, but he's already made the transformation, so there's all this excess left in his system."

Kirk was already thinking strategically, even though medicine wasn't his department. "What can we do to stop it?"

"I've given him a shot of hormone inhibitor, but at the rate they're being produced…" he leveled his gaze on Kirk. "Jim, I don't know that it'll have any affect. Our best chance is to get a sample of that gas to start working on."

Kirk nodded slowly. "Alright."

He looked over to where Spock was sitting, clicking through the test at a speed three times faster than Kirk would have been able to. He marveled at the fact that the woman sitting there was so undeniably _Spock._ He was petite, about as tall as Uhura but not as curvy. His ears and eyebrows were the same, albeit smaller and more feminine. His hair was long, with a slight wave to it, but it was the same rich, chestnut brown that it had always been. It was a bit shaggy; the bangs were too long and were tucked behind his ear, as if the hair had grown for several years without ever being trimmed. He still wore his uniform, the baggy pants rolled up several times at the waist and the blue shirt hanging off his now tiny frame; the boots had been removed as soon as Spock had realized they were too big to walk in, and now he was barefoot. Something about his little white feet, with a slightly green tinge around the toenails, stirred something in Kirk. They were so…cute.

As if he had somehow sensed that Kirk was thinking about him, Spock turned his head and met Kirk's gaze. Spock's eyes were the same, too. The same deep, piercing brown, the same eyes that always seemed to reach a place in Kirk, deep down, and see inside his soul.

"I have completed the examination, doctor," he called. His voice was now soft and quiet, so unlike the deep timbre that Kirk was used to hearing.

"I'll be right there," McCoy called back.

He was…beautiful, Kirk suddenly thought. But… different. Not the Spock that Kirk knew, not the Spock that Kirk lov-

"Jim, are you even listening to me?!" McCoy snapped. Kirk was jerked from his reverie and back into reality.

"Huh? Oh, sorry Bones. Can you repeat it?"

McCoy frowned. "Well, I was _saying_ that there might be other side effects with the hormones, in addition to the added strain on his body."

"What other side effects?" Kirk asked. The doctor now had his full attention.

"I don't know yet. Behavioral fluctuations, most likely. But nothing like this has ever happened before so…" he shrugged, "we'll just have to wait and see."

On that somewhat ominous not, they went back in the examination room and McCoy took the test results over to his desk.

"Hm," he murmured as he read the figures on his screen.

"Well, Spock," he said finally. "It looks like your mind is exactly the same as it was this morning. Intelligence, personality, psychology… none of what makes you _you_ has been altered."

"I believe I could have told you that in the first place, doctor," Spock replied. As Spock was so easily able to do, his comment had sparked McCoy's temper.

"Who's the doctor here, huh? If you're so smart, maybe you should just take over for me! I'd _love_ to see you try to do what I do every day," he growled.

Spock raised an eyebrow, and Kirk knew that his first officer was playing with McCoy. And the gesture was so familiar; a wide grim had spread across his face before he could stifle it.

"While I appreciate the offer, doctor, and will seriously consider it, as I'm sure the crew of this ship is tired of your primordial medicine, I doubt I will have the time to take on your duties in addition to my own."

Kirk let out a small laugh as he and Spock left McCoy blustering in sickbay. He was sure he heard something about 'green-blooded hobgoblins.'

"So, Spock," Kirk began as they walked to his first officer's quarter's, "What do you want to do until we find a cure for your…uh…condition?"

"I would prefer to continue in my duties. Although I would not advise you to broadcast the particulars of my 'condition', as you call it, to the entire crew, I am certain that the bridge crew will not find fault with me resuming work at my station."

"So, basically, you just want everything as normal as possible."

Spock inclined his head. "That is the idea."

Kirk was silent for a moment, before he voiced his doubts. "I don't know. We're not sure what kind of alternate effects this could have on your body." Although Kirk _did_ know, to an extent.

Spock stopped at his quarters and went in. Kirk followed him.

"Jim," he said, turning to face him, "the doctor confirmed that I was psychologically and intellectually unchanged. In addition, if there _are_ unforeseen side effects in the future, I would be more useful to you, to myself, and to the ship attempting to find an answer than in my quarters getting bed rest."

Kirk was fighting hard to find a reason to keep Spock off the bridge, but ultimately he failed and was forced to give his assent.

"All right."

Spock nodded. "In addition, I believe that I will wear the woman's uniform." Before Kirk could object, he quickly launched into his reasoning. "As we will not be informing the entire crew of my status, I believe that, in wearing the standard woman's uniform, I will be able to maintain a state of relative anonymity. Furthermore, I am, for the moment, in a woman's form, and I feel that it would simply be prudent for me to abide by Starfleet regulations as they apply to Starfleet crewwomen."

"Well… what about your ears?"

Spock, in reply, pulled his hair from behind his ears and smoothed his long bangs across his forehead. His ears and eyebrows were effectively concealed.

"But…" Kirk's eyes drifted down to Spock's pale little toes. Then they drifted back up to meet Spock's eyes.

"Well, if you insist," he said finally with a shrug. He got a raised eyebrow at that, but Spock simply informed him that he would be up on the bridge in a few minutes and Kirk left him to get cleaned up.

As he got in the turbolift, he decided to tell the bridge crew about the situation before Spock arrived, so at least he would hopefully be spared some awkward questions. Kirk knew that Spock didn't care much for being gawked at.

The turbolift door slid open onto the bridge, and Kirk took a deep breath before he stepped forward.

_Here we go,_ he thought.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

"So….Mister Spock is a woman now?" Chekov asked, finally breaking the silence after Kirk had told them what happened.

"Yes," he replied.

More silence.

"It…seems a little hard to believe, Captain," Sulu said.

"Believe me," Kirk muttered, "I know."

He heard the turbolift doors open and the tiniest intake of breath from Uhura, and he knew Spock had entered. He turned and began to say something, but whatever it was flew out of his head at the sight of Spock, standing there in his new uniform. He knew enough about interpreting Spock's emotions to recognize that he was a little uncertain. He had hesitated, and his eyes jumped around the bridge. Kirk finally got a hold of himself and cleared his throat.

"Mr. Spock, welcome back to the bridge," he said as he went up to walk with Spock to his station. He had his hair up in a simple ponytail, and his bangs were pinned back. Kirk's eyes (almost of their own free will) traveled down to the exposed skin around Spock's collar, down to his waist and hips, down to his legs…

"Captain."

Kirk's head snapped up. "What?"

Spock was looking at him strangely. "Thank you for escorting me to my station. I believe I am sufficient."

It was then that Kirk realized that he had just been standing there, checking out his first officer in the middle of the bridge. Well, sometimes he _did_ check out his first officer from the bridge, but this was somehow different.

Before, he had done it subtly. From his chair.

Kirk hastily cleared his throat and moved away, going back to the safety of the captain's chair.

"Of course, Mr. Spock."

After he sat down, there was a moment of uncomfortable silence on the bridge. But then, to Kirk's relief, everyone returned to their duties.

"Captain," Uhura, said. "The team sent to recover a sample of that gas has returned. They're asking what you want them to do with it."

"Tell them to take it to sickbay."

"Captain," Spock interjected. "I would like to study a portion of that sample myself."

Kirk considered it. He knew McCoy was perfectly capable of analyzing the medical effects of an unknown substance. But he also knew that if it were him trapped in a woman's body, he would want to have a hand in the search for a solution. And he also figured that it would be a good idea to have as many people working on this as possible.

"Fine." He turned back to Uhura. "Tell them to split the sample and bring half up to the bridge."

"Yes, sir."

An hour later, Kirk was…bored. He rarely got bored, and when he did, he was always secretly ashamed of it. Starship Captains should not get bored. But right now, he was. He had already alerted Starfleet command to the situation and coordinated the ongoing study of the planet's seismic activity from the ship, of course. He wanted no more accidents.)His attention drifted over to the science station, where Spock was bent over the goose-necked scanner examining the gas sample. Kirk always watched Spock work, admired the long line of his broad back, the soft sheen of his hair, the graceful curve of his fingers as he manipulated the scanner controls. Watching Spock work in his female form was…interesting. Women were beautiful, all lovely lines and shapely curves, delicate features and elegant movements. Kirk watched Spock's pale arm reach over and flip a few switches. It looked soft. Spock craned his head to look at a computer readout. Kirk followed the line of his neck up to a delicate ear.

But as fascinating as it was, Kirk had already thought of Spock as beautiful. And now he was just…different.

_What if he stays like that forever?_ Kirk thought. _What if we can't find a way to change him back?_

He answered his own question. _I'll still feel the same way about him. And we'll get through it._

"_Sickbay to Captain Kirk." _The sound of McCoy's voice over the comm unit startled Kirk out of his reverie. He pushed the reply button in the arm of his chair.

"Kirk here."

"_You'd better get down here, Jim. Bring Spock, too." _

"You found something?" Kirk's voice was hopeful.

"_Maybe." _McCoy's voice just sounded grim.

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"What? That doesn't even make sense," Kirk protested.

"It's just as I said, Jim," McCoy replied. He was at his desk, a sample of the gas beside him in a canister, "This substance could not possibly have been created naturally."

Kirk paced sickbay.

"Jim," Spock said quietly. "That conclusion, however illogical, is consistent with my findings. The gas is an artificial construct."

"What are you two saying? That it was created for some purpose?"

"Or is perhaps a byproduct of some other function," Spock suggested.

Kirk was silent for a moment before McCoy and Spock decided to add yet another complication.

"There's something else, Jim," McCoy said hesitantly.

"What?"

McCoy glanced at Spock. This bit of information was clearly not in his jurisdiction.

"I have consulted with geologist Stevens," Spock said. "He has examined both the tricorder and on-board readings that were taken before and after the seismic disturbance. He has come to the conclusion that the cracks that formed during the earthquake were not, in fact, caused by it. After reviewing his data, I must confess that I am inclined to agree with that assessment." Spock was standing near McCoy's desk, and he picked up the canister as he spoke, turning it over in his hands. "Although it would be unwise to begin making hasty assumptions," he continued, "it would appear that-"

"Someone…or some_thing_, released that gas," Kirk finished for him. He had been staring at the floor, now he raised his eyes to Spock's and frowned.

"On purpose."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Kirk restlessly paced his quarters. It was the night shift; he was officially off-duty. He _should _have had some dinner, read a book for a while and then gone to bed. That's what he usually did at night. But instead, he had picked at his food, discarded the book in frustration after reading the same sentence six times, and was now pacing because he couldn't sleep. He glanced at the chronometer. 1:30 AM Earth standard time.

Kirk was worried, nervous. He had all of the science teams, half of the security officers, and even Scotty working on this mystery, but so far….nothing. No clue. McCoy had no idea what the gas was made of, so he couldn't create some kind of antidote. The seismic activity made scanning the interior of the planet tricky and virtually useless, since any readings would likely be affected by the polar shifts the planet was experiencing.

Kirk hated that there was a mystery ha couldn't solve. He hated that whatever was going on was possibly a threat to his ship, his crew. He hated that someone had been injured and he (_he!)_ could have prevented it, simply be refusing to allow that crew member to beam down.

And he hated that that crew member had been Spock.

His thoughts were interrupted when the door buzzed.

"Come," he said. He hoped it was good news.

"Captain," Spock said as he hesitantly hovered in the doorway. "I hope I am not disturbing your rest period?"

Kirk waved the question away. "No. I couldn't sleep."

Spock took a few steps inside and the door slid shut behind him. Suddenly Kirk was struck by the silence. The ship was always quiet at night. Kirk had been looking out the small window but after about a minute of silence he turned to Spock. It was then that he noticed Spock's eyes…. They looked strangely dark, as if he had his pupils dilated. His eyebrows were drawn together slightly, as if in pain or sorrow. His hands were clenched into fists at his side. The effect was subtle, actually. Someone who didn't know Spock the Kirk did might not even notice it. But the fact that Spock was in some kind of physical or emotional pain was obvious.

"Spock, what's wrong?" Kirk asked. He took a few steps forward. For every step he took forward, Spock quickly took one back. His eyes shifted around the room, almost anxiously, before returning to Kirk. Kirk had never seen Spock like this before, and it scared him a little bit. He decided to take a different tack.

"Did you want to speak with me about something?" he asked instead. Sometimes Spock responded better to questions with specific answers, instead of general "what's wrong" or "how are you" types of queries.

"I….I just wanted to…." Spock trailed off. Kirk was starting to become very concerned. This was not like his friend at all. Spock was _never_ at a loss for words. The only other time he'd been like this had been….

Kirk frowned, looked at Spock more closely. Jumpy, agitated, nervous behavior. Not his usually stoic but eloquent self. Kirk had noticed a faint green flush in Spock's face. He _had_ seen him like this before. It was when he went through Pon Farr.

"Spock?" Kirk was full blown worried now, because he knew what kind of effects Pon Farr could have on the body. _If_ it was even Pon Farr, but the symptoms seemed the same. Spock took a step forward, a strange expression on his face.

"I needed to see you," he said, his voice suddenly intense. It was as if he had decided on something that he had been unsure about before.

Kirk was about to ask him what was wrong again when Spock took a quick step forward, closing the remaining space between them, stretched up on tip-toes and kissed him. It was so sudden, at first Kirk didn't know what to do. But then Spock ran his hands around Kirk, clutching fistfuls of his shirt, deepening the kiss. And Kirk couldn't help himself.

He kissed back.

And he knew that he shouldn't, he knew that in this state Spock's hormones were running amok, he knew that he was taking advantage of the situation.

But he didn't care.

For once in his life, he forgot about right and wrong, because this was Spock. This was _Spock, _who he teased, who he trusted with his life, who he loved.

He kissed his way down Spock's neck, and Spock let out a soft moan. Just that one little sound…Kirk felt himself get hard in response. Spock pressed up against him, rubbing against him in all the right places. Kirk gasped and closed his eyes. God, this was so _right!_

Spock tried to remove Kirk's shirt but was too short to get it over his head, so Kirk helped. Soon Spock was rid of his uniform and was running his hands over Kirk's chest, landing soft kisses here and there, tantalizing him. Kirk kissed down his neck to his pale little shoulders. He was surprised and pleased to find a smattering of freckles there, and he happily busied himself with kissing every one. At the moment, it was the sexiest thing he had ever seen.

Spock pulled back a little and kissed him. It was rough, desperate, and Kirk returned it eagerly. Spock pulled back, his black eyes piercing into Kirk's, into his soul. Spock was breathless, every bit of exposed skin pressed into Kirk's body.

"Jim…." his voice was rough, pleading. "Please…." he breathed.

And how could Kirk refuse?

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Author's Note:

I wrote this chapter while listening to "Dreamer" by Uh Huh Her. In case anyone cares to know.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

When Kirk woke up, exhausted but in a satisfied kind of way, he stretched, reached out for Spock.

But he wasn't there.

"Spock?" Kirk called into the darkness.

He got up, put on some clothes, and checked the bathroom for Spock. "Spock?" He knocked on the door. No answer. He looked inside. The room was empty, and clean… no one had used the shower or sink this morning.

Kirk was a little hurt, but he held that back in favor of worry. If Spock _was _going through some kind of Pon Farr- like experience, he needed to be in sickbay, not running around the ship. Although Spock would hardly run anywhere, unless it was the logical course of action at the time.

Spock's quarters were right next to Kirk's, but when he buzzed there was no answer.

Growing more concerned by the minute, Kirk bypassed the security controls (Captain's privilege) and went inside. The room was hot, dry, dark. But also empty.

Kirk went to the wall comm. Unit and pressed a button.

"Kirk to bridge."

"_Lieutenant Uhura here."_

"Is Commander Spock up there, Uhura?"

"_No, sir. I haven't seen him for about four hours."_

Kirk closed his eyes. Damn.

"Thank you Lieutenant," he said before cutting off the connection.

He stood there for a moment, frowning. Then he decided to check sickbay. Why he didn't try the mess hall, or the library, or the rec room, he had no idea. But he figured that if Spock was in any of those locations he was probably ok, but if he was in sickbay…well.

He found McCoy in his office. Kirk had already checked: Spock wasn't there. But he decided to ask McCoy about it anyway.

"Bones, have you seen Spock?"

McCoy looked up at Kirk from the report he had been reading.

"That's what I was about to ask you, Jim."

Kirk frowned. "Why?"

McCoy switched off the screen and sighed. "I've been studying the levels at which Spock's hormones are being released. I was hoping to find a pattern that shows they were slowing down."

"Well, did you?"

"Oh, I found a pattern, all right," McCoy replied grimly. "But not one that I wanted to see. The hormone levels are actually _increasing_. At a pretty steady rate."

"What does that mean for Spock?" Kirk asked warily. He was sure that he already knew what that meant… but _he_ wasn't going to be the one to say it.

McCoy took a deep breath. "Jim, if Spock doesn't get help within the next 24 hours, it's very likely that he's going to die."

"Well, then _help him_!" Kirk paced the small room angrily. "You're a doctor, aren't you?"

McCoy stood up and came out from behind his desk. "Yes, that's right. I _am_ a doctor. I'm just a doctor, Jim, not a goddamned miracle worker! If I could cure Spock with a snap of my fingers don't you think I would do it in a second? I _know_ you're worried about Spock. I am, too. But dammit, Jim, I just can't do anything about it right now!"

Kirk looked at his friend, saw the hurt and guilt in his eyes, and instantly hated himself for doing that to him. He knew McCoy was doing all he could, he was just taking his worry and stress out on him.

"Bones, I'm sorry. I'm just…"

"Frustrated," McCoy finished for him. He sighed, ran a hand across his face. "Yeah, I know."

"Is there anything we can do to slow the rate of hormone production?" Kirk asked.

"I've been thinking about that. The hormone overdose is really similar to what happens to the body during Pon Farr. Maybe if Spock can…"

"Um," Kirk interrupted.

"What?"

Kirk was looking everywhere but at McCoy. "We kind of… well, we already…what I'm trying to say is that we…" This was embarrassing. Maybe because Kirk still felt that he had taken advantage of Spock when he had been in a vulnerable position.

McCoy was obviously confused. "What are you saying, Jim? _I'm _saying that Spock needs to get…"

Kirk watched as comprehension dawned on McCoy's face.

"What did you… you two?"

Kirk nodded.

McCoy was just staring at Kirk. "Jim," he deadpanned.

"…what?" Kirk knew the outburst was coming.

"Are you _INSANE_?"

_There_ it is.

"No, actually. In fact, right now I feel like this is the sanest I've ever been."

"I beg to differ, Jim. For one thing, _you_ might feel in control of this situation, but Spock's definitely not. He's experienced a major physical change, he's dealing with the possibility that he might never be able to go back to his old self, and on top of everything he's over-dosing on hormones that are making his body _literally_ fell like it's on fire. Did you even stop to consider the emotional implications for him?" McCoy's tone was angry, harsh.

"I…" Kirk had been about to say yes, of course he did. But that wasn't exactly true. "It just kind of happened, Bones. I didn't really have time to think it through." He hung his head and ran a hand across his face.

McCoy's eyes softened. He could obviously see that his Captain was experiencing an emotional distress of his own.

"Jim, come on. Sit down." He guided his friend to the chair and waited until he sank into it before sitting across form him.

"Jim…" McCoy hesitated. "Jim, I know how you feel about Spock. I figured it out a long time ago."

Jim raised his eyes to the doctor's. "You did?"

McCoy nodded. "Probably before you did."

"But how…?"

McCoy gave a little chuckle. "You thought you were being pretty subtle all this time, didn't you? Well, maybe you were. But I'm your best friend, Jim. I've known you a long time. And I know when you're interested in somebody. I remember you were like this with Gary Mitchell, when you two were at the academy together. The looks, the smiles, the teasing. I see it now with Spock. But… am I right in thinking that somehow Spock's different?"

Sometimes Kirk thought McCoy would have made an excellent psychiatrist. He always saw through everyone's bullshit.

Kirk nodded, slowly. "Yeah…it is different. With Gary," hurt flashed briefly across his face at the thought of the friend he had been forced to destroy. "With Gary, there was an immediate attraction. But even after that night on Deneb IV, nothing really came of it. With Spock… I didn't even realize it at first. He was just this Vulcan first officer that I had to learn to understand and work with. It wasn't until we had been working together for a little over a year that I realized how well we completed each other. I can trust him to always have my back, to always tell me the truth. We've even started finishing each other's sentences."

McCoy grimaced. "I know. It's damn annoying."

Kirk laughed a little, and was silent for a moment. McCoy didn't push him; he would talk in his own good time. That was one thing about Jim Kirk: he never did anything until he was good and ready.

"I didn't start noticing him physically until about eight months ago. Remember when he got shot? It was when I thought I might lose him that I realized I loved him."

"Have you talked with Spock about any of this?"

"No. I was just…too afraid that he wouldn't feel the same way, and then our relationship would change. I imagined him requesting a transfer, never seeing him again. And now we've…"

Kirk turned anguished eyes to McCoy. "This didn't even occur to me before, but what if Spock just came to me first last night because I was _there_? I mean, we're right next door to each other. If Spock was feeling emotionally compromised, it wouldn't have been too far for him to wander over. Last night…" he sighed and rubbed his eyes. "I wasn't thinking rationally. I was thinking that Spock must feel the same way about me as I feel about him. I didn't even consider the fact that he might not even know what he's doing. Maybe that's why he disappeared this morning."

"You need to find him, Jim. He could still be suffering ill effects from yesterday's hormone surge. And he needs to know that he could die from this."

It sounded harsh, but Kirk knew that it was true. As much as he hated that he would have to be the one to tell him, Spock needed to know what was happening to him.

"All right. I'll tell him."

Kirk got up and went to the door.

"Jim."

Kirk turned back. "Hm?" His mind was already working out what he would say to Spock when he found him.

"It'll be ok," McCoy said.

"I hope you're right, Bones," Kirk replied softly before he left the room.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

As Kirk walked back to his quarters, he made a mental rundown of all the places he was planning to look for Spock. First, he'd check with Uhura again, in case Spock had decided to go back to work. Which, knowing Spock, he might just have done. Then, he'd check the mess hall, recreation, then engineering, and some of the labs Spock frequented. It felt good to have a plan of action, even if it was for so simple a thing of looking for someone.

But, as it turned out, Kirk didn't need to do any of those things. When he walked into his quarters, Spock was there, patiently waiting.

Kirk cautiously walked into the room. Spock had his back to him and was staring out of the small window, but he turned to face Kirk as soon as he heard the doors close. He looked… upset. As upset as Kirk had ever seen him, barring the times he had been influenced by some outside force. He had his arms wrapped around himself, and his eyebrows were knit together. Kirk watched him quickly try to put a leash on his emotions, his face became more stone-like, his posture was rigid. But Kirk knew the difference. Spock was unsettled.

"Spock," Kirk was overcome with the impulse to just hold him, to make the pain go away. But for some reason his instinct told him not to, that it would only serve to overwhelm Spock. Instead, he told him everything McCoy had said, about the hormone increase, and the fact that he had about 24 hours to live.

Spock seemed to take it in stride. "I will double my efforts to discover a way to reverse my condition," was all he said. But he still looked tense.

"Jim…"he began hesitantly. "I must speak with you about what happened last night."

"We don't have to talk about it—"

"I must say this to you," Spock interrupted. He took a deep breath. "I…deeply regret my actions last night. What I did was wrong."

Kirk felt like he'd been punched in the gut. By a Vulcan. He shouldn't have been surprised, but he was. _I knew it,_ he thought. _Spock regrets what we did. He thinks it was wrong, a mistake. _He hated himself for doing this to Spock, for being the cause of this turmoil in his friend.

"I would prefer to maintain our professional relationship at this time. If that is acceptable to you," he added. Kirk could see that Spock very badly wanted to pretend it never happened. And at least that was one thing Kirk could do for him. He gave a small smile.

"Sure, Spock." He could see Spock relax a little, and he clasped his hands behind his back in his customary pose. He hesitated a moment, then said, very quietly:

"Thank you."

For a moment, Kirk allowed himself to dwell in his sadness. It was profound, deep and searing. He had expected from the very day that he first realized that he loved Spock, that this time would come. The moment when Spock would go too far for comfort and respond by pulling away, snapping back into himself like a rubber band. Kirk knew in the beginning, he knew deep down…he knew that one day he would get his heart broken.

But he had a secret defense, one that Spock would probably think an admirable trait. He felt himself slip into his Captain's face, the stern but thoughtful expression, he felt his heart harden, felt his mind turn business.

Vulcans weren't the only ones who could hide their emotions. Jim Kirk had been doing it for years.

"All right." He rubbed his hands together. "We have _got_ to start getting to the bottom of this. I'm holding a meeting in conference room three in a half-hour. Will you let the command crew know?"

Spock gave a curt nod. "Of course, Captain," he replied. He, too, had put on his first officer's persona. But Spock was always transitioning so quickly between friend and first officer… it was just his way. Whereas Kirk used his Captaincy as a shield against getting hurt.

After Spock left, he went in the bathroom and splashed his face with some cold water. He raised his head, and as he dried off, he caught sight of himself in the mirror. The face he saw there was that of James T. Kirk, Captain of the Starship _Enterprise_, recipient to numerous awards of valor and bravery, and viewed by many as a hero.

He barely recognized himself.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"It's jus' no use, Captain," Scotty was saying. "I cannae see how we can boost the sensors. The seismic activity is too strong."

"But if we can just figure out where that gas came from... I'm _sure_ it came from somewhere underground. Some kind of facility, or a power station, or even a settlement. We've _got_ to find a way to scan the planet's interior," Kirk said, more to himself than to any of the officers that sat around the conference table.

"Wait a minute," Sulu said suddenly, as if remembering something he hadn't thought of before. "Didn't the _Potmekin_ manage to scan Korgania II last year by diverting power form the transporter relays to the sensor systems?"

Spock steepled his fingers thoughtfully before he replied. "That is correct. And although Korgania II has a geologic situation similar to Treyta IV, there are three notable differences which impede us." He counted off on his fingers as he began to list them. "One, the seismic activity is almost fifty times more violent on Treyta IV. Two –"

McCoy couldn't help himself. "'Almost,' Spock?"

Spock turned a baleful eye on the doctor. "Approximately forty-nine pint seven eight one zero three five, to be more exact, doctor."

McCoy chuckled. Spock gave the Vulcan equivalent of rolling his eyes and continued.

"Two, remnants of the gas remain on the surface of the planet and, apparently, underground as well. As you may recall, the gas has a unique electromagnetic signature which resists sensor scans. And thirdly, we have recently discovered that many of the rocks on the planet contain traces of Brakium, a newly discovered isotope of Kryptonium. Brakium confuses the low-focus particle beams involved with scanning. These factors make gathering data on the interior of the planet virtually impossible." As he finished, Kirk noticed that everyone looked a little more glum. Spock's logic, although practical, often had the unintended side-effect of sucking all the hope out of a discussion. There was silence for a long moment before Spock spoke again. He gazed thoughtfully at the surface of the table and murmured: "However…"

_That _was what Kirk wanted to hear.

"What is it, Spock? Have you thought of something?"

"Perhaps. But I do not believe that Mister Scott will find it an acceptable option."

"Well, tell us what it is. Then we'll see what Scotty thinks of it."

Spock was silent for a few seconds. Then, he proceeded to outline his plan. As he had predicted, Scotty was definitely _not_ on board.

"No," he said firmly. "Absolutely not. Ah'll no let you be messin' aroun' wi' my engines."

"But Scotty," Kirk said, his hands spread in an 'I'm not armed' gesture, "It's only temporary. We'll just divert to warp power to the sensors for a little while. It'll be two hours, tops. This could save Spock's life."

Scotty looked a little pained at that, but he stubbornly refused to go along. "Ah know, Captain. But there's got to be another way. It's not jus' tha' Ah dinnae want ta screw around wi' the warp core, yeh've got ta think of the safety of the crew. If somethin' goes wrong we'll no have warp power ta get away."

Kirk gave that serious consideration. "That's true…" he replied slowly. But his mind was made up about this. "But we've got to try. It's the only plane we've got. Unless you can come up with a better one," he added. He could see the chief engineer's brain working rapidly, sifting through all he knew to try to keep his precious engines safe from their tinkering. But his shoulders slumped, defeated. "No sir. I cannae think of a better way."

"So you'll oversee the modifications?"

"Aye sir. Ah will."

"Good."

With that, the meeting broke up. Kirk was feeling hopeful that their sensors would be able to get through the interference, but a small part of him feared that it wouldn't work, or they wouldn't get the kind of answers they needed. He was good at ignoring that part, however. It was a pointless anxiety, especially for a Captain. He had to deal with what they were doing now, and if it didn't work… well, he'd cross that bridge when he came to it.

He was till going over the plan in his head when he realized that he was alone in the briefing room with Spock, who was gathering up the data wafers they had used during the meeting. Kirk watched him for a few minutes, until Spock's eyes accidentally met his and they quickly darted away. It was then that Kirk realized that Spock was trying very hard to ignore him. He and Spock had always been able to be together in a companionable silence, but this was just an awkward one. Everything Kirk had feared would happen if he and Spock got together. A thousand things he could say to his friend ran through his head, things he could say to comfort, or reassure, or sympathize. But he remembered that Spock had wanted to pretend nothing happened between them, and half of what he wanted to say involved emotion or physical contact. That was just the way Kirk related to people, and he couldn't change that. He couldn't just go back to the way things were between them, but he couldn't go forward with Spock either.

So here he was, stuck in this limbo of uncomfortable silence. And he was suddenly overcome with the fear that he would be there forever. So he did the only thing he could think of. He didn't wrap Spock up in his arms, or take his hand, or even smile reassuringly.

He just left.

…..

"Warp drive uplinks have been established, Keptin," Chekov informed him. Kirk swiveled in hi chair to look at Spock. As usual, he didn't need to ask: Spock supplied the information he needed, seemingly reading his mind.

"The warp core and all other ship's functions appear stable, Captain."

"Excellent." Lastly, he turned to where Mister Scott sat at the engineering station. "You ready?"

Scotty gave a poorly concealed grimace. "Aye, Captain. We're ready."

Kirk nodded once, and turned back to face the planet on the viewscreen.

"Alright, Mr. Spock. Activate scanners."

There was a slight hum as the sensors drew power from the warp engines, but that quieted after about a minute. A minute after that, Spock spoke into the hopeful silence on the bridge.

"We seem to be receiving information about the interior of the planet. Preliminary reports coming in now."

Kirk held his breath. It was at time like these that he had to put on a calm façade, to reassure the crew. He was normally impatient by nature; it was part of what made him a good Captain. He was a man of action, and usually that was helpful to his job. But sometimes, he had to wait. And it was doubly hard when the safety of his crew was at stake. Or in this case, the safety of one person…

He stopped and thought about that, his eyes following Spock's movements as he tweaked dials and examined readouts.

Was he putting them all at risk in his attempt to save _one_ person? If something happened, they would be virtually helpless to get away. He remembered the old adage: _The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few._

He watched Spock work. _Or the one,_ he added silently. As the Captain of a Federation starship, he was responsible for the lives of over 400 people; he had always assumed that he subscribed to that way of thinking. But did he? He was taking a big gamble just to save Spock's life, endangering his ship. It unsettled him. _What if it was Bones?_ He thought. _Or Uhura? Or Sulu, or Chekov, or Scotty, or any one of my crew? Would I do the same thing? Would I try just as hard to save them?_

And the answer didn't surprise him at all.

_Yes._

Yes, he loved Spock. But he cared deeply for all of the members of his crew. And that was what made him a good Captain, he suddenly realized. He _felt_ so strongly about every living being, be it a member of Starfleet or a citizen of an alien world. He cared _too _much. And it meant that he would always follow through, that he could always be counted on to protect and serve.

_Did_ the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few?

Spock turned and told Kirk that there were, indeed, underground caverns on the planet, as well as some kind of power source. He told Spock to try and pinpoint the location of the power source. He watched as Spock turned back to his controls, and he noticed that Sulu, Chekov, Scotty and Uhura all looked expectant, hopeful, as they dutifully managed their stations. He was so proud of each and every one of them.

_No,_ he thought decidedly. _Every life counts, every existence matters just as much as the next._ _To be a Captain, _Kirk thought, _it doesn't mean that you're willing to sacrifice a few people, or even one person, for the sake of many. It means that you make sure _everyone_ comes out of it alive._

And as he came to that realization, he felt good about working so hard, risking so much to save Spock's life. He knew he was doing the right thing.

And that's when everything went to hell.

….

Author's Note:

Chapter 8, wow! Thanks, everyone, for putting up with my inexcusably long hiatus. Sorry about any mistakes, I didn't have a lot of time to proofread and I wanted to get it up as soon as possible for you guys.

A note about Chapter 7: some people complained about how short it was. I kind of did that on purpose…I wanted this scene to be "separate," as it were, from the rest of the story. So it was short and had its own chapter.

Anyways, Chapter 9, coming right up!

PS: Scotty is fun to write.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

The ship gave a great shudder, the lights went out, the red alert klaxon blared, voices erupted like water from a burst dam.

"Emergency lights!" Kirk shouted over the din. The lights came back on and he scanned the bridge, checking everyone out. No one seemed to be injured.

"Casualties?" he questioned. Uhura was quick to answer.

"None, sir."

"Damage report."

Spock turned from his station. "Warp power is out, impulse is nonoperational, sensors are offline, life support currently running on battery power."

"Spock, is there any excess battery power?"

His first officer's fingers darted over the controls for a moment before he replied. "We currently have 11% not being used by critical systems."

"Can you divert it to the sensors?"

"I will try."

Kirk turned to look at the black viewscreen and waited. He seemed to be doing a lot of that lately.

"_Engineering to Bridge," _Scotty's voice crackled over the comm system. Kirk quickly glanced back to where Scotty had been sitting, but he wasn't there. He must have ran down to engineering as soon as power failed. Kirk hadn't even noticed him go.

"Kirk here. What's going on down there, Scotty?"

"_I dinnae know, Captain. Nothin's really _wrong _with the engines. They jus'… stopped."_

"Any idea why?"

"_Not yet, sir. But I'm workin' on it. Scott out."_

Kirk sighed.

"Captain," Spock said. "I have rudimentary sensors back online, and I am getting some curious readings."

"Like what?"

Spock was silent for a moment, looking at the readouts.

"It seems…that we are caught in some kind of tractor beam."

"A tractor beam? Coming from another ship?"

"No, Captain. The beam is originating on the planet."

"Can you trace it to its source, Spock?"

"Not at this time. The sensors are not up to optimal levels. However…" he paused, tweaked the dials. "There is an unusual energy pattern imbedded within the tractor beam."

Kirk frowned. That wasn't very informative.

"What kind of energy pattern? What is its purpose?"

"Unknown, Captain. The ship's computer does not recognize the energy signature. However, if I may hazard a guess…" Spock trailed off, glancing at Kirk expectantly.

"Go ahead, Spock. I feel better about your guesses right now than I do about the sensors."

"I believe that this energy beam is what has deactivated ship's power."

"Well, great. What do we do about it?" Kirk muttered.

"Perhaps we can—" Spock began, but was interrupted by a blinding flash of light that lit up the bridge. Uhura cried out, and Kirk raised his hands instinctively to protect his eyes. It took a few seconds for the afterimage of white to fade from his vision, but when it did, he was instantly out of his seat.

Some kind of…creature ("being," Kirk corrected himself) was on the bridge. It was a good meter taller than a human, and its skin was a mottled grey. It was very thin, almost skeletal. In fact, it did look like a skeleton, except for the eyes. Its eyes were huge, luminous orange eyes that reminded Kirk less of some kind of demon and more of some kind of Terran night creature, like an Aye-aye. And it had no arms; just huge grey wings with claw-like appendages on the end that Kirk supposed functioned like hands. It had a wide, leering mouth, lined with rows and rows of sharp, yellow teeth. Overall, a terrifying sight.

And it was circling Spock.

Spock was very still. So was Kirk. He didn't want to do anything to startle or provoke the thing into attacking, or feeling like it had to defend itself.

"Uhura," he said quietly.

She tore her eyes away from the being. "Yes, sir?"

"Activate the universal translator."

A few beeps. "Universal translator activated, sir."

Kirk took a deep breath. The being was peering very closely at Spock, almost like it was studying him. Kirk spoke carefully.

"I am Captain James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Starship _Enterprise._ Who are you and why are you here?"

The being glanced at Kirk before turning its attention back to Spock. It said something, in a low, haunting string of clicks and sounds. The translator took a moment before it translated into standard.

"_I am called Shar. Who is this one?" _The slightly mechanized voice of the translator was male. Spock replied to Shar's question.

"This one is called Spock."

"_Spock…"_ it repeated softly.

"What do you want?" Kirk asked. Shar looked at him, finally seeming to see him.

"_Want?" _it replied. _"Want many things. Want cool air under wings. Want mate. Want young ones, want wisdom, want peace, want knowledge. What want?" _

Kirk understood what was being asked. "What do you want from _us_?" he specified.

The being made a clicking sound deep in its throat that wasn't translated and turned back to Spock. It made the clicking noise again, and addressed Kirk.

"_I will take this one now," _it said decisively. And before Kirk had even finished saying "Wait, what?" the being wrapped its wing/claws around Spock and, in another flash of white light, was gone.

They all just stood around in shock for about two seconds. Then they set about getting Spock back.

"Mr. Chekov, take over Spock's station. Uhura, see if you can get Starfleet for me."

The turbolift opened and McCoy sauntered onto the bridge and into the flurry of activity.

"What'd I miss?" he drawled. Kirk could tell he was concerned because his southern accent was thicker.

"We're trapped in a tractor beam of unknown composition, our engines are dead, and Spock's been abducted by an alien."

"So the usual, then."

"Captain," Uhura said. "I can't get Starfleet. The tractor beam is reflecting back all outgoing transmissions."

"Can you boost the signal strength, Lieutenant?"

Uhura looked at her console with exasperation. "I'll try sir."

Kirk pressed a button and buzzed engineering.

"_Scott here."_

"Scotty, are the transporters operational?"

"_No sir. They were knocked out with the engines."_

Kirk thought for a moment. "Scotty, can you tie them in to the batteries?"

"_Aye, Captain. But only if you want to end up scrambled eggs." _

"Hm." Kirk turned to his helmsman. "Sulu, do you think we could get down to the planet in a shuttle?"

Sulu wrinkled his brow. "I don't think so, Captain. The tractor beam would probably tear the shuttle apart before it even got halfway."

"Did you hear that, Scotty?"

"_Aye. An' it dinna surprise me a bit."_

Kirk had an idea. "Scotty, do you think you could modify the shields of the _Enterprise_ to encompass a shuttle as it goes down to the planet?"

Scotty grunted. _"Aye. But it would significantly weaken the _Enterprise's _shields, an' she would be more vulnerable to the tractor beam."_

"Do it," was Kirk's reply before he cut off the channel.

He looked around the bridge for a moment, at Uhura trying her best to get Starfleet Command, at Sulu and Chekov admirably keeping the ship steady despite the immense force being exerted on her. He could imagine Scotty scurrying around in engineering, at home in his domain, deep in the belly of the ship. Even through his worry for Spock, he was proud of them. They loved Spock just as much as he did. _If not in the same way, _he silently added.

"_Engineering to bridge."_

Kirk pressed a button. "Go ahead, Scotty."

"_The deflector shields have been modified. But ah cannae guarantee it'll hold fer long." _

"Good enough."

He stood, looked around the bridge, took a deep breath.

"Lieutenant Sulu, you have the bridge."

McCoy got in the turbolift with him.

"Jim. Are you planning on going down there alone?"

Kirk turned the handle on the side of the lift and directed it to take them to the hangar deck. His silence was the doctor's answer.

"Dammit, Jim!" he said. But it was quiet, not his usual bluster. He knew that nothing he said was going to change Kirk's mind. But he tried nonetheless. "Jim. I know how you feel about him, but you don't always need to play the hero."

"It's not that. If I thought I had a better chance at getting him back with a security team I would have one waiting in the shuttle bay right now. But it's too dangerous. And I'm not entirely certain he was taken with some kind of evil intent. As frightening as that thing looked, his attitude seemed peaceful. I just want to find out what's going on, see if I can reason with it. _Him," _he amended.

McCoy was silent. They arrived at the shuttle bay and Kirk stepped out of the lift.

"Jim." Kirk turned back. McCoy leveled him with that look, the one that meant he'd better not get killed.

"Be careful," was all he said before the lift doors closed again.

"Aren't I always?" Kirk muttered as he got in a shuttle and prepped it for entering the plant's atmosphere.

Soon he was guiding the shuttle through the yellow clouds that covered the planet and landing in the orange dust.

"Good to know I can still pilot a ship," Kirk said to himself. Sulu, monitoring his progress from the _Enterprise,_ laughed.

"You might need a brush-up course, sir. That decaying orbit was horrible."

Kirk smiled. "That's why _I'm_ the Captain and _you're _the helmsman."

As he armed himself and stepped out of the shuttle, a hot blast of air hit him in the face, along with a mouthful of sand. He coughed, shielding his eyes.

When the dust cleared, a being stood in front of Kirk. It looked similar to Shar, except that its skin was more brown than grey. Kirk turned on the universal translator.

"I'm looking for the one named Shar," he began. The being blinked and was silent for a moment. Then, it turned and started walking down a rocky hill.

"Follow," was all it said. Kirk obeyed. Perhaps it was his desire to find Spock uninjured clouding his judgment, but he sensed no malice from these people. He silently prayed he was right as he slipped and slid down the hill.

At the base of the hill, the being went into an outcropping of rocks and disappeared behind a huge bolder. When Kirk finally caught up with him, he was entering a cave. He did not stop to see if Kirk was following him. Kirk hesitated, but only for a moment before plunging into the darkness. What other choice did he have?


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

The cave delved into the hillside for a few minutes before slowly leading them down into the belly of the planet. At first it was just a small space in the rock, a deep niche. Kirk's shoulders scraped on the side of the tunnel. As it descended, however, the tunnel got wider. They walked for a good forty-five minutes… and Kirk was starting to get nervous. If something went wrong it would be too difficult to get out of here, and he didn't even know where he was being led.

Just when he was contemplating asking the being that was leading him how much farther it would be, the tunnel abruptly opened up into a huge cavern. There had been small lights along the tunnel, making it just bright enough to see where he was going. The cavern, though, was strangely dim. He supposed that, with those huge, nocturnal eyes, the creatures didn't need much light to see in these caves. The cavern was not only monstrous in size (Kirk couldn't even see the ceiling) it was completely empty. Of rocks, that its. It was completely full of beings.

Kirk was a little surprised to see so many of them in one place; there must have been over 200 of them. They were very quiet. Kirk's hand drifted down to rest on his phaser. He wasn't sure what to do, they were all just standing there. He was about to ask about Spock when one of them stepped forward. Kirk recognized its coloring—it was Shar.

"Welcome," Shar said through the universal translator. He held open his wings in a way that, on a human, would have been a non-threatening, placating gesture. On Shar, it was a little terrifying, probably having something to do with the fact that he had a good thirty-foot wingspan.

"We regret that you need visit under such… uncomfortable circumstances," Shar continued. _Apparently the universal translator is getting the hang of their language, _Kirk thought.

"Where is Spock?" Kirk asked. Shar sighed (or what Kirk guessed was a sigh).

"Please, allow me to explain what has happened." Shar gestured to indicate all of the beings assembled in the cave. "We are the Pak'Tul. Centuries ago, we lived on the surface of this planet. However, when it began to die, we built these fortified caverns underground. We have been experimenting ever since, trying to find a way to keep this planet alive."

The explorer in Kirk was fascinated, and had a thousand questions. But there was only one that mattered at the moment.

"What does this have to do with Spock?"

"We were conducting a test when some of the gas we were using escaped through a fissure in the rock. We were unaware that any life forms were on the surface until afterwards. We regret that one of your people was harmed because of us."

"…It's all right," Kirk replied. He sensed that Shar was telling the truth, and was genuinely remorseful. But there was still the matter of…

"Where's Spock?" he repeated.

"Patience, please," Shar replied. It seemed all he was willing to say on the matter. His unwillingness to tell Kirk where Spock was when he had been perfectly forthcoming with everything else made Kirk nervous.

Not one for patience, Kirk persisted.

"I need to see Spock," he said.

"You cannot at the moment. He is being…fixed," Shar replied hesitantly.

"What do you mean, 'fixed'?"

"Repaired. Put back the way he was. Do not be concerned," Shar added quickly, seeing Kirk's alarmed expression. "We are fairly certain that it can be done."

_Wonderful,_ Kirk thought, _Spock's life is in the hands of the 'fairly certain.' _

Kirk just stood there for a minute, trying to decide if he should wait or be more insistent about seeing Spock. If they were working to fix him, then Kirk couldn't really do anything. But a part of him wanted to _see_ Spock, with his own eyes, and he wasn't sure if that was the captain in him or the part that loved Spock as more than a friend.

He had just decided to demand to see Spock and had opened his mouth to speak when he heard a voice behind him.

"Jim."

It was a voice that he had missed more than he had known, that deep, mildly amused timbre. Kirk whirled around.

"Spock!"

His friend was standing at the entrance to a different tunnel, between two Pak'Tul. He wore a simple grey jumpsuit and his usual raised eyebrow.

Kirk went to him. He grasped Spock's shoulders gingerly, reverently, as if he was afraid Spock would break. And really, after everything Spock's body had been through, it was a valid concern.

A myriad of thoughts went through Kirk's head…relief, happiness, and worry (he still wasn't entirely convinced that Spock was unharmed by the experience). But first and foremost was an overwhelming _need_ to hug his Vulcan.

_He probably won't like it, _Kirk thought. _Vulcans hate to be touched. _He looked at Spock's face, those familiar lines, those deep brown, slightly hooded eyes.

_Oh, what the hell. I've been worried sick. I _deserve _it. _

So he hugged Spock. His first officer stiffened a little, but, surprisingly, relaxed into it after a moment. And (Kirk was shocked) he even raised one arm and returned Kirk's bear hug with a little half-hug of his own before Kirk let go.

When he pulled back, Kirk was grinning ear-to-ear, and not just because he had found Spock safe and sound.

As he turned back to Shar and back to business, he didn't see the corner of Spock's mouth twitch… and rise ever so slightly.

Author's Note:

Hey everyone. Sorry for the extra short chapter, but guess what? The next chapter will be the last! It might take me a while to get it posted, but bear with me. It's coming. I've really enjoyed writing this, and all of your great reviews. I wish I had the time to reply to all of you, but, sufficient to say, you're all great to stick with me and the story. Please wait for one more chapter…all will be revealed! Hahaha.


	11. Chapter 11

Author's Note: Hello everyone, and thanks for reading! This is the final chapter of AMMD, so please enjoy! I had fun writing it, and I hope you had fun reading it!

A Madness Most Discreet

Chapter 11

"_What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains." _

~Tennessee Williams, _A Streetcar Named Desire_, 1947

"Hmm."

Kirk glanced up sharply. "What do you mean, 'hmm'?"

McCoy looked up from the scanner he had been using to examine Spock with. They were back in sickbay, finally. It had taken a while to get the pleasantries out of the way with the Pak'Tul. Kirk had contacted Starfleet command and they were sending the _Yorktown_ to learn more about the Pak'Tul and consider them for admission into the Federation of Planets. Under ordinary circumstances, Kirk would have fought for the privilege to stay and open talks with the Pak'Tul, however, today he had just wanted to get Spock and get the hell off that planet before any other "accidents" occurred.

"By 'hmm,' I mean be quiet and let me examine my patient!" McCoy snapped.

"Huh?"

"Jim," Spock said patiently. He was lying on the biobed. His vitals looked normal. But then again, what did Kirk know? "Jim, you have been tapping your foot. I believe it is beginning to annoy the doctor."

Kirk looked down at his foot. It was tapping. He stopped it.

"_Thank _you," McCoy huffed.

It was a few more minutes before the doctor came to a conclusion.

"He's fine. Healthier than before, even," he said, standing back to let Spock stand up.

Kirk breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks, Bones."

As Kirk and Spock left sickbay, McCoy called after them.

"But don't push it, Spock!"

Kirk chuckled as they left sickbay together and headed towards the bridge. _For all their bickering, _he thought, _McCoy cares about Spock. _He wondered if he should be jealous. _Nah. He's more like a mother hen, to the whole crew._

When they arrived on the bridge, Spock headed for his station and Kirk to his chair. Kirk noticed the bridge crew looking at Spock, and Uhura gave him a wide smile as he passed her. They were all obviously relieved to have him back to normal.

"Communication from the planet, Captain," Uhura told him as he settled into the familiarity of his chair.

"Put it on audio, Lieutenant."

A second later, Shar's voice echoed onto the bridge.

"We thank you, Captain. And again, we apologize for our transgression."

"All is forgiven, Shar."

"Fly well, _Enterprise."_

After the connection was severed, Kirk turned to the helm.

"Set course for Starbase 5, Lieutenant Sulu. Warp factor three."

"Aye, Captain. Warp three."

Kirk settled in his chair as the _Enterprise_ got underway and thought about what came next. He had decided to do this once Spock was back to normal…but he had to work up the nerve first. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. _Don't be such a coward, Kirk, _he admonished himself. _Man up! _

Still, it took him till the end of their shift to speak up.

He took a deep breath and stood. "Mr. Spock, may I see you in my quarters?"

Spock cocked an eyebrow but said nothing as he followed Kirk into the turbolift.

When they walked into Kirk's quarters and the doors slid shut, silence descended on them. Spock was silent, no doubt wondering what this was about but knowing Kirk well enough to let him get to it in his own time.

"Spock…" Kirk began. He paused and turned to face his friend. "I know you said you didn't want to talk about it, but…" his eyes drifted away. "I do. I need to talk about what happened between us, I need to know where we stand. Can you understand that?"

Spock nodded slowly, his expression inscrutable. He opened his mouth to speak, but Kirk cut him off. He needed to say this, and he needed to say it now.

Now, or never.

"I know that you regret what we did," he said. "But I don't and I don't think I ever could. I understand your need to forget it ever happened, but I _can't._ I can't just go back to normal, pretend everything's ok. Because it will always _be _there, between us, unspoken. I just can't live my life like that. I need to hear how you feel about it. I need to get it out in the open, just this once, and then you can forget about it, and transfer, or whatever you want."

He finished, and sagged. I was like he had been holding that inside himself for so long and now that he'd said it all his energy felt like it had been sucked out of him. This had been coming for a long time, Kirk realized. For long before they had had sex Kirk had discovered his feelings, had grinned at Spock on the bridge and wished that they were more than friends, had caught Spock looking at him and fooled himself into thinking he felt the same way. It had been time to finally address it, for better or worse.

Spock was silent for far too long. Kirk watched him sit, watched him steeple his fingers in that way he always did when he was deep in thought. Kirk watched the wheels turning and wished he knew what was going through Spock's mind.

When he finally spoke, it wasn't what Kirk had expected to hear.

"I do not…'regret' what happened between us, Jim. Take that as you will. I understand what it must have been like for you when I was in female form. I believe I understand the temptation you must have been experiencing." He gave a little Vulcan shrug. "I cannot speak for your taste, nonetheless, I—"

"Temptation?" Kirk cut him off midsentence. "Temptation?" He scoffed. "What do you know about it?"

"A fair amount," Spock said quietly, but Kirk didn't hear. He began to pace. He'd told himself he would handle this gracefully, but now he was angry and he wasn't quite sure why.

"So, that's what you think? That I just took advantage of you in a delicate situation?"

Spock shook his head. "It was _I _who took advantage of the situation. Instead of controlling myself when the Pon Farr struck…" he stood, shook his head, turned away from Kirk. "Instead of controlling myself, I went to your quarters. It was wrong of me to put that on you." He turned back and looked Kirk in the eye. His eyes held a sorrowful look. Kirk stopped pacing. "I believe that you were attracted to me when I was in female form, for whatever reason. I was a novelty. I do not believe that you took advantage, Jim. That is not the sort of man you are."

Kirk's brows knitted together. Spock didn't understand. "Spock. Haven't you noticed?" he paused unsure of how to put this. "Spock, I've been thinking about you as…more…than a friend for a while now. Long before all this happened. That night was just the catalyst." He started pacing again, speaking quickly out of nervousness. "I know I'm making you uncomfortable, but it needed to be said. Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up at all, I don't know—"

He stopped pacing. Spock had walked over and placed a hand on Kirk's arm.

"Am I to understand…" he said slowly, "That you are in love with me?"

A blanket of silence dropped over the room, only the quiet sound of the engines filling it. But after a few seconds Kirk started…laughing.

Spock frowned.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Kirk said, still chuckling. It was the wrong time to feel silly like this, but that statement, coming from Spock's mouth, with such dead seriousness, was one of the cutest and funniest things Kirk had ever heard. "I'll explain later." He smiled fondly at Spock's confused expression, and e suddenly felt very serious.

Gently, he stepped forward and kissed Spock. It was quick, done so fast Spock didn't even have time to react.

"Yes," Kirk said softly. "I am in love with you. I have been for a long time."

Spock nodded slowly. Was that a faint green blush? "I see," was all he said.

And then, to Kirk's utter astonishment, Spock kissed him back. And it was more than a light peck. Kirk deepened the kiss when it became apparent that Spock wasn't going to pull back right away. He wrapped his arms around Spock, pulling him closer until their bodies were flush against each other. Spock's lips were abnormally warm, hot even. Kirk hadn't noticed that the last time they'd kissed. He parted Spock's lips with his tongue, wanting to be closer, and Spock complied, lightly nipping Kirk's own lips as he did so. Spock ran his hands down to Kirk's ass, lingering there for a moment before drifting up under his shirt and running up his back.

And it was only once they both pulled back, flushed and out of breath, that Kirk realized that was the first time he had ever kissed another man.

It didn't bother him one bit.

Kirk decided to push his luck. "Would you care to continue this discussion on the bed, Mr. Spock?" he asked with a mischievous grin. He was so happy he didn't even care if Spock said no. He could spend his life like this, loving Spock…and knowing Spock loved him, too.

However, to his great pleasure, Spock took the bait.

"I would not be…opposed to it," he replied, almost playfully, a ghost of a smile playing around his lips.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'," Kirk murmured as their lips met once more.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

_I can't believe this is really happening," _Kirk thought later as he watched Spock sleep. He'd never actually seen his first officer sleep, and he was, for lack of a better word, fascinated. Spock's hair was slightly mussed, his lips flushed. His breath escaped him at regular intervals with a nearly silent _woosh_ of sound.

_Captain Kirk and his First Officer_, he mused. _Who would have guessed that we, of all people, would end up together? _

He was a little overwhelmed by it, a little daunted by the future that faced them. He knew they would have problems, they might argue, there would be misunderstandings. He knew that there would be pain, and sorrow, and maybe anger. But there would also be joy, and love. The unknown was in front of them then, and who knew what would happen to them as the years marched by?

_But then again,_ he thought with a smile, _the "unknown' is the best kind of adventure._

FIN

_Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs;  
Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;  
Being vex'd a sea nourish'd with lovers' tears:  
What is it else? a madness most discreet,  
A choking gall and a preserving sweet._

- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"


End file.
